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Unflitered by DarkAngelsRhapsody


Moonfire by DarkAngelsRhapsody

Moon Fire
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Allura by DarkAngelsRhapsody

Happy Halloween



Hi everyone, I thought I'd post something to show I am alive, though I have been posting actively every month as I promised, this month is sorta halloweenish. For october. And I really appreciate all the support I've been given as usual I am grateful.

How has everyone been? I've been busy with festivals and enjoying summer, I have 2 new cats thanks to my brother who dumped them on me. I've had them for a month now. One I love the other is hell spawn. I still have to get them fixed so I am hoping that once I do that. He will settle. The last thing I want is for a cat to be afraid of me. And sadly it's becoming the case with this one. But I have no choice in the matter as of the moment I can't trust him not to pee somewhere or on something.

I feel like I am running an animal shelter at times here. 7 cats now. Even though mine are getting old and I dread that time we all dread comes. I think...I just may lose my mind with grief. But until then I will cherish each annoying moment.

Aside from that I feel very tired lately, my anima is getting the better of me these days. I still trudge forward though, even if my body and veins hurt doing so.  I dread this winter riding my bike is dangerous on the ice but it's what I have to do. I don't have someone to help me out locally anymore sadly.


It's just something I am going to have to figure out as time goes by. Maybe order my food online so I don't need to go out anymore. Or as much. Who knows, I will try to feel better in due time. That's just about all I can do. 
I seriously annoy myself when I ask myself this question and find no answer. I mean we take opinions like that of grains of salt, with everything we do in life. So why suddenly is it bugging me so much. Is it a getting older thing? A feeling, that is all it really is. 

It isn't exactly how I feel. So how do I feel. Well let's see. I have friends that only chose to talk to me when they have nothing better to do. Or they want to complain about something. One friend I actually dedicate my time to for so long I don't care anymore. I've already wrote a journal about the NPC friends. I really don't need that kind of company.  

Then I have the people that used to be creative but aren't creative anymore but still think they have a right to tell me to still be creative. Honestly I don't think I could go one day without being artistic..  I tried.. And damn it, the hamburgers I made for dinner ended up artistic perfection.. Sigh. Can't deny your wiring.

Can't deny who you are. You can only admit it and enjoy it. So.. I've decided. I guess I decided awhile ago I just didn't want to decide. But there is no fighting against your own instincts. It's good to listen to them anyway. They are the basic primal survival kit to life.

So as I lay here, under a pale blue sky with hardly any clouds, starring at the empty space, I have decided.  I can't deny my love for a day like today like I can't deny a cat's beautiful eyes.  Everything in life is artistic to me. So denying that is like denying everything about life I love. 

Yes there are times I can't stand it. And I am very sensitive and I may act out but that is because I am a loud voice in a very empty box. I miss being able to paint as much as I want. I miss not having to paint what someone else wants. And I most of all miss talking to someone who actually cares how I feel. Instead being obsessed by some boy they won't admit is a crush.

Sure I have my boyfriend who lately has been a punching bag for my unexpressed words and emotions.  Can't say this stuff to my brother and well my other friends as to busy ignoring how I feel to really get the point of it.

So here we are.  Or here I am.. Trying to figure out what my next move is. Or where I am going. 

Honestly the next step is to get out of bed again. Go into the house and figure out how to cook a venison flank...and what to make with it.. 

As today is my dead mom's birthday I obviously want to keep busy but yet feel like a day of rest is in order. Regardless...

I will still be turning 37 next week, and school will be starting soon, which means school busses and chaos..And the lack of good art in this RV is driving me bonkers.. but it's getting there. 
So I thought I should update as it has been a month since I last updated everyone on what is going on with me..
Good news is that I no longer have to worry about that court issue as they dismissed it and I no longer have to worry about that. Hurrah. I've been working on my house as much as I possibly can, repainting chairs and stools that I now use in my kitchen.
Should work on some art this weekend to relax I have one in mind that I want to get out of my head.

Of course my birthday is in a couple weeks, I'm not a huge fan of that but I'm going to try and make the best out of it by just enjoying the time with my boyfriend and brother and whatever surprises they get me.. Even though I totally hate surprises. I guess this type of thing is okay.

The whole almost 40 thing is bugging me but it's still far enough away that I feel I don't need to worry too much about it.
Hard to believe it's almost fall already..two months and we will be dressing in sweaters and drinking hot choco. I am eager for that actually. Even though the nights have been on the nippy side and I've actually had to cover up at night. 

One thing about sleeping in the rv at night is the peacefulness of being able to look out the window and see the stars, or watch the heat lightning roll between the layers of black and gray clouds.  Sometimes I can see a falling star streak by, but tonight it is to overcast to enjoy the sky but the moon is faintly ghosting out tonight. It's mysterious looking.

I should crawl into bed as I try to sleep at around midnight. Maybe it is early but my body wakes up early also so I have pretty long days. So I hope everyone else is doing okay..

Feel free to leave a comment..

<3 Rhapsody
For those that celebrate July 4th..happy July 4th for those that don't.. Happy July. Also known as Christmas in July. You know that point when you realize you should have started shopping months ago...... *hangs head in shame* 

Yea I am guilty..as charged. But July is a month I'm low on money so I tend to start after...because yea. And my birthday is Next month, which honestly please don't ask me what I want.. I have no idea.. I mean.. you can't buy me life normalcy can you?

Can you? I mean that would be great if we could just buy normal not insane or stressful moments. The ideal gift would be to have some security and normalcy in my life. Which hopefully with determination and hard work I can get that it's just with aging doing that stuff is getting harder for me. This is something that isn't easy to admit either. I will be 37 in August and I've only had emotional and physical freedoms to do as I wish for maybe 4 years now. So while I had the ability to what I wanted on some standards I was still restricted by others. But now I am able to do whatever. Well not travel for long periods of time but I don't have the urge to..

But anyway, I plan on making July's render this week and maybe post my newest painting now that I have deemed it finished. For now I am going to jump in the shower and try to make my hair agree with something other than being a total trainwreck..

Oh as always thanks for the support and I hope everyone is having a good day where ever you are. <3 :hug:
What's it called? Does the question make it a title? I start to write my thoughts and then stop then start again. Time is moving so slowly right now. I wonder if I am the only one that ever notices this. The slowing of time. It's different from when you are anxious though. I'm not anxious at the moment there isn't anything I am really excited for or even looking forward to. So it's not Christmas Eve syndrome. You know what I mean, you want that day to come so you can get it over with. Or open gifts whichever. Honestly now that I am the one that does everything for the holidays I find myself liking the holiday even less. I can see why so many detest it now. It's very stressful.  Trying to get all the right things and do all the right things and cook all the favorites so no one has any gripes at all about anything but all the while. You have the gripes of the most of anyone, so much so that you can't even enjoy the gifts you actually don't know what they are. 

But I normally did find out or I knew what they were because I told the person what I wanted. Honestly I'd just like some cookies I didn't bake myself.. Ugh. If I had a point to this at all I lost it. I am pretty much writing to write. My thoughts I guess, random true sidenotes of sorts. This does bring up the birthday gift thing...honestly I don't know what I want for myself for my birthday. I have many things I'd like to have happen. I wish my friend could land a solid job. I wish some miracle would happen and my house would be liveable again. I mean I guess this comes back to the basic topic.

Time...

Let me tell you something about that strange thing that is time. It comes in installments and elements, there is time as in the time it takes for you to be worthy of something good. Also this has to do with times trials and tribulations. Time builds and destroys us. Sometimes time even breaks and leaves fractures behind in elements that feel like you have done something before.

I often walk into a room that is still and feel I have been in that room before because of the feeling of time. The sun bouncing off a wall in such a way of mid-morning reminding me of a time just like it that I haven't in fact had before. Naturally it's normal now. It has been a broken reflection of time. Something that happens often just that most of the time we are to consumed in not paying attention to it that you don't see it.

But there is also the trials of time. You know when you have bad stuff happen or things that just shouldn't be possible to be logical pop up and derail everything you consider normal. And they go on for a long time..like time is literally trying to kill you of ever knowing what normal is.

Honestly I don't know what normal is..and really don't want to know.
But let me give you some of my life example's.

When I was little, there was a time when I was happy. It seems like a small fragment now so small I can barely remember what that felt like. But it's still there. My father went through a time where many things became unraveled for him. He got sick he became controlling and abusive and just got sicker with the more negative energy around him but even in all that time, he was suffering and time was the cause of it. It was my father who would sit on the porch and watch time pass he would see shadows of death pass by our windows. Each year until he turned 49 I was 14 and one day he said time that he didn't want to live past 50. He said this to me his only daughter, he had enough with the pain and sickness and anger that time had carved into him. So that summer two days after he turned 50 time had slowed and I remember being beside his bed looking down at him as he finally was free from living.  I look at time as the worst weapon we have out of all the weapons we can't really hold. You want more time, sometimes. But other times you just use way too much.

It's not times fault though, it is ours. My mother could have pulled the plug on my father when I was younger but she couldn't because time builds love as well as tear it down. That's why we refuse to put down a sick pet until it's no longer avoidable. I have seen it many times. But honestly keeping a love one around in suffering is not love it is giving into the fear of being alone without them. I have put down many animals for people I have worked for because they just couldn't do it.
In fact 3 times in a row a couple years ago, my dog who had cancer and my employer at the time who couldn't lift the dogs. I couldn't be in the room with my dog but I couldn't live through him suffering for the sake of my love for him and his stubborn hanging onto life because he loved me.

As I have started writing this time has gone by but I really haven't found a solution to the empty void inside my heart. I have come to realize that I want to be in a time with my boyfriend more than the time I have without him. I can see the holes in time around me where his existence fills. Even the me time. Maybe after a walk in the morning sunlight as I pass between sun and shade will help me see things differently but I would be fine with a cloudy cool morning too. 

What do you do when your insides are to silent? I'm normally chaos inside.
  Sorry this took so long to write out. I was away upstate. But now I am here for a short while. The court went okay, I have till June 26th to get my yard sorted and then I go back to court again the 26th. If I can't get it cleared up by then the town will do it and charge me on my property taxes. So I am hoping that my trash company will take it, or I can find someone to haul it away. I will be home the rest of the month so I have to get cracking on it. Kinda hard to get motivated with this recent heat wave. 


So yeah there is the update.  How is everyone else?
 I can't believe how quickly June got here. I feel like I blinked and May just poofed. It may have. I spent so much of it in a cloud of madness.. I'll be sure to try and render that out at some point. Tomorrow is my court day. So I may be gone awhile if I get put in jail for firing off my mouth or punching the mayor in the face. Wow that escalated quickly..

I am just being honest, as I am generally honest with you. I am blunt and that may not work well in a courtroom. And seriously what am I going to wear. Sigh.. Girl troubles am I right. LOL.

Ugh my birthday is in 2 months.. soon summer will be almost over.. There are so many things that my mind doesn't even want to focus on them. I am not one to argue with my brain. It's a waste of time really.

I don't have any mind numbing thoughts or anything to share I'm just trying not to stress out over tomorrow..
I will be doing a couple more renders to relax.. and I should have my newest painting posted up soon, because I have a reasonably big project coming up in the next couple months. Well other then trying to enjoy my summer.

---oh yeah..---

So have you ever like talked to someone that just mellowed you out? Thankful she isn't going to read this..because she isn't into me that way we're like sisters. But my god..I hadn't had that reaction to someone in a long I was calm but yet my heart was racing like a marathon runner.  I could have just crawled into her arms and stayed there like a safe blanket. I hadn't had this feeling since my best friend in highschool would hang out with me. I mean I am openly bi but currently in a relationship with a guy.. who I love very much. He will be reading this.. But yeah.. crap..all I want is some normalcy but this has been far from normal..

That's it..
I'll update what happens at court..after tomorrow.
Normally I don't enforce hate or negativity but I've had it up to here -_- with groups.. Groups that a supposed to take any work but yet don't. Sure I don't use groups that often anyway, I just joined them so I could get a fresh dose of artwork everyday but honestly when I am declined.. I get pissed off. And me pissed off is the last place you want me to be. So I am going to leave every group and join new ones. So suggestions will be wanted of course.

I could be more ranty here.. I guess even now I am monitoring my words. They just aren't worth my angry words videogame trolls deserve those.

What do you guys think? Share your group suggestions or just comment whatever..
You ever have a morning where you feel like moving mountains...or in my case a heavy desk.. the idea came to mind because it is indeed summer and it has been hot..I wanted to use the north window I had boarded up for the sake of winter. So all we going fine until the tv I had stored under the desk fell over on my toe. So of course it hurt. For about eeh.. half an hour before the pain meds and ice pack kicked in... now it is a horrible color of dark red and purple. It hurts to wear shoes.. so I am limited on where I can go. Sigh.. It was worth all the work for the open window though now it is rainy and chilly again.

Thats Ohio weather for you though. So I have had time to render more than normal.  I am hoping I heal before I have to help my boyfriend at his new place.. As decorating is something I love to do. And well he is hopeless. And yea don't get me started on thinking about how him and I won't ever have our own place.. I mean I have a house.. it's just too much house for me and my aging falling apart body.. 

Even if the bed bugs wasn't be an issue I think I still would have been camping down stairs as the upstairs is so far away and it's so oppressing. Not something I need. And being up there alone..with my thoughts isn't a good idea as my dark thought form.

So I stay down stairs regardless. 

On top of all this going on with my  house the town decided to be a dick too..making me go to court because I didn't clean up my yard by their deadlines. Sorry I can't just toss my furniture into the sun.. Where is superman when you need him..
So I have to appear in court about it. Maybe its a good thing IDK though..

A chance to vent how much ass they can kiss about their sucky idea of litter. Yeah I might go to jail..so may be missing for a couple nights.. Whatever. I know I normally don't mention my personal drama and stuff but I figured since I may be missing for awhile it was a good reason too.

Between my b/fs move the court thing and upcoming festivals.. which I don't post on my DA because I don't want to scramble up my page. This is also why I don't post my anime stuff.. 

Also I'm waiting till 50k to cut of dye my hair....so it may be really long by then. LOL I'm going blonde and then Jade.

Okay thats about everything currently I'm still really tired..
That month sure flew by didn't it? Of course it did. It shouldn't surprise you that I don't post everything I do here on DA because well I just don't know how it is going to be viewed and to me these pieces are amazing and I am proud of them because of the time I spent creating them. After some thought I decided I'd share some every so often as long as I have a release.. so this month I'll introduce you to the characters of my story called Mars Zodiac. It's a sci-fi action type, face it my whole mind is a sci-fi action story. I don't think I'll ever share the story here as it is close to being a complex book. But maybe I could do some sort of short. My next concept is a more grounded realistic artistic spin on society which I want to rewrite. But regardless.

Candy... Former human of Earth now Mercenary Cybernetic Pirate of Mars... (so much a character based on me if I was on mars seriously) She loves to slice shit up or blow it up.  

(I guess she expresses my aggressive tendencies? lol)
Mars Zodiac by DarkAngelsRhapsody



Auto-(short for Auto Pilot) What is a pirate without a ship, Auto is Candy's ships AI, Candy decided it was very lonely on off ship missions and decided that Auto needed to be more than a voice.. Cybernetic body that is created for more work then pleasure but she is a weapon of charm and banter for when Candy is not so cool headed.  (Day's were lost in the process of making these..)

Auto by DarkAngelsRhapsody


Ophelia- Candy's long lost sister, a Techno mage that clashes with her sister as she flies from bandit's and head hunter's. Now one of few techno mages in our space she just wants to live peacefully with her mate and former commander on the Icey Blue paradise also known as Pluto, where her kind is sanctioned from harm. Taking up a star idol later on once the wars are over she finally puts her powers away to make joy instead of tears.
Ophelia by DarkAngelsRhapsody

So yeah those are my beauties of my story Mars Zodiac.. Now I don't know if I am going to do any more works like these..well not like these.. These are rare gems, I am processing introducing the oh so weird world of Bubblegum pretty soon.. 

It will be a challenge thats for sure because it is originally very white..and white is very hard to work with..

Today's plans are to start on that painting and watch it rain..while recording the process of my insanity.. fun right.. Anyway I hope you enjoy these and have a nice day.

love <3 Rhapsy
 First off Hi everyone, how is everyone doing?? I started a journal like last week but I didn't finish it. First thing. Thank you so much Rabbitica for all the favs, and everyone else that has enjoyed my recent works. I'm sticking to one render a month because I want to focus on keeping a flow of artwork without overflow and I get terribly busy in the next coming months.


I will be doing a remix of some of my older renders I will keep the old one's here of course. And you can look forward to that journal with those side by side. So yay future goals. ^^

As for how I am dealing on a personal level? Eh, I am eager for winter to be over because the cold is getting old quickly I miss the sunshine and blue skies though my b/f loves these gray skies. I find them overbearing and sad. So one layer white.. because it is currently snowing again..so my hot coco needs to be refilled again. And of course sleep is always a factor of worry, I am not falling asleep at my computer as much.  Okay..I am. But not as often, I just lay down my head between renders and fall asleep listening to music. And plus my max sleep allowance is 4 hours at a time anyway so.

Sure it's bad for your brain but you guys know I am half out of my mind already. So.. yeah feel free to send your worry hugs my way I'll take the warmth. 

I know what about the bunny? Bunny Bunny bunny. LOL I may do a q & a journal because well yeah I feel like it. So if you want to ask me anything feel free if not I'll just generate random questions.

I hope everyone has a nice day..or night. Now to spread some love.

-----

MisoSouperStar
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A Cat by MisoSouperstarPeggle 2 Luna by MisoSouperstar WIGGEH! by MisoSouperstar

And the Random..
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ThePopsicleThief

Reintroducing Titan... by ThePopsicleThiefCrouching tiger, Hidden Badass by ThePopsicleThiefBlackfish Ke'sorian lion Adopt [closed] by ThePopsicleThief

----

It's amazing how many empty accounts there are..and how many make me want to flip tables but I found a treasure damn it. Meow.. I want each one of those!!!!!!!!!! <3 Keep  up the good work and I love you all..


Enjoy..
 If you asked me this..I honestly don't know the answer I would give you. It has been days when I felt like..

I have nothing left and then days I have everything to lose. I've had skeletons in my closet resurface reskinned with a friendly face. And yea this may have poem connected to it brewing in my head, I feel like it's been awhile that I have posted on my other profile, that host just poetry.

If you want an idea how that relationship with said skeleton feels like..




How about the rest of you, how have you been?

And thank you for the favs I'm glad you are enjoying my work.





Heaven And Hell by DarkAngelsRhapsody





It’s getting that time of year again, where we reflect on the year as it comes to an end. The things we have been through. The people we have met, friends we have lost and gained. Mistakes we made and risk we have taken.
Last Year Tomorrow, I wrote one of these on my journal on my artist profile. Reflecting how fear of the unknown is stupid when in fact there is no unknown but uncertainty. Uncertainty is the thing that scares us, more than the actual unknown. Because of that we don’t do things and hold ourselves back. To Quote myself from last years entry.
And the only thing keeping us apart from being dear friends is each other. Two bulls locking horns I guess don't go very far. They just argue with one another constantly.
Through this he said damn it all why not. Diving into the unknown and giving a middle finger to uncertainty and fear isn’t easy. But not taking the chance could be missing out on something great. Because he met me, I realized one thing, I realized like the many times before. That I loved him. That no matter what idiot would come in and entertain me for awhile. I only truly wanted one idiot, with the package of doubt and self loathing that staring at him in a silent tornado of self was ever so poetic and such a puzzle for my creative self that it wrenched my heart in half not having him. And I myself gave into uncertainty.
But my friends punched me in the face for it with their wisdom and told me to tell him how I felt. So I gathered my courage somehow and told him through the most romantic yet pathetic skype messages I have ever typed, in my life.
And here we are back to where it all started, tomorrow.







For all those friends that told me to tell him. However strange it was. Thank you. This year has been full of the most happiness and love then I thought I could ever deserve. He is my biggest gift. And all of you are worth more to me then you ever could imagine.
So if there is something you want. If you want to do something and uncertainty is holding you back. Remember that someday it will be the right time to stop locking horns and step aside and step forward.

I realize it has been a small minute since I have wrote a journal, but as this time of year comes around I wake up everyday at 7am with the intention of writing one, it normally gets derailed by a desk hogging cat and then frustration with fighting for the space that I forfeit the idea. Well Not this time dang it. As normal I am not out of my pjs. I will be in a couple hours, I swear!!!.

I have to go shopping which means freezing, on my bike as I ride through the brisk winter air. Now I know not everyone knows what's going on in my life and honestly it's so much crappy crap I don't even want to go into it. 

Enjoy this..


Stage 1,

With everything in life there is preparation.

Sdc12768 by DarkAngelsRhapsody

I am surprisingly a very organized artist and clean everything.


Stage 2,
No matter what you are doing or where you are, you will have someone wondering just wtf you are doing?
Or want to suggest something when you honestly just want them to go away!!!!!!!


Sdc12769 by DarkAngelsRhapsody
I honestly don't mind having interactions when painting, I sometimes paint while on webcam talking to people, the results are much better because I am a social butterfly you know. !!!:)


Stage 3,
Life comes in a variant of idea's, brain storms just may be brain farts.
But don't be afraid of going with those lovely puffs of brain gas they may just inspire something new
for a different day.


Sdc12770 by DarkAngelsRhapsody
I deemed this stage Mars..which may be a sneak peak for a new brainstorm and yea my cat tanner didn't go far and I just noticed he was there. LMAO..

Stage 4,

The so called finish project??
Like opening a can of paint once you get home from the store and realizing..yeah this isn't going to work.
Sometimes relationships can apply to this rule of life too. 

Sdc12785 by DarkAngelsRhapsody

The journey of Seasons..my journey I guess I was feeling isolated being in the other room and avoided like a had the black plague. That just didn't work for me, The texture was added to help me get over some of the chaos I had felt from being avoided.

Stage 5,
Clean up can be fun if you make it fun, like all the things you hate, like the dishes. 

Sdc12796 by DarkAngelsRhapsody

The door I go in and out of and all my coats and junk, cleaning my brushes is fun and sometimes if a painting needs just some splatter this is when I do it. lol I didn't want to do that here.. wood floors.


Stage 6,
It's okay..if the things you had your heart set on don't turn out.
Just keep a glimmer of it in your heart and it will become something new.
Good or bad.


Sdc12828 by DarkAngelsRhapsody
This is the finished project of Journey of Season's. Also the results of me painting with someone in the room with me, as we watched the football game which in itself was a good game, the day was a good day. I can see this happily hanging with the other painting I gave my boyfriend last year.


Sdc12832 by DarkAngelsRhapsody
 Pluto..dances with Saturn
As I was painting this I was thinking how it looked like if pluto was mixed with Saturn.. this is a flash close up to show its layers..
Its no secret Pluto is my favorite planet. 



And there it is, how painting can be defined with stages of life.

You start out have no idea, but through many stages and trials and mistakes you end up with something great, the project that is..
You!!!!
 

 Only maybe 2 more months of summer.. leaves are already falling and changing color days are getting shorter by minutes and I am counting the days I need to wear sweaters and fleece instead of shorts and t-shirts. Having the house finally sorta to myself and my brother is taking some adjusting too.. it's to quiet. Of course my cats have made up for that with randomly running up and down my stairs. They are still in the processes of moving out. They will have some stuff here till they can get another u haul truck.. My brother is still using the house as a mid way station between his new home and work. But sleeping in the rv is fine I guess he isn't bothering us and well.. It was the wife that was the issue..and how he acts around her. But eh..what can you do when you're trapped in a loveless fake of a marriage?? Grin and bear it I guess.
So thats whats been going on with me. The world is still revolving outside of the massive amount of work I've had to do the past couple days and well.. It is worth it. I have been rendering in the wake of my morning hours to ease the anxiety I have been feeling rushing over me as soon as I wake up. I hope everyone enjoys them. 

Songs I've been listening to. To fill the silence..











If I were a zombie I'd never eat your brain, I'd just want your :heart: yeah your :heart: just want your :heart: cause I want ya!


Have a nice day everyone and I will share more of my play list more often if you'd like! I hope you also enjoy my newest render Tera Nova! Dedicated to all of you!
It's been sometime that I have posted a journal...ugh..it was winter.. I have some news..And some
Thoughts.
First off I guess I'll get to the thoughts.

With the recent event that has taken place on my Facebook with a sister in law of mine.. (the one I actually like). I normally take notice of her post on my feed when they are actually of serious nature. Now I know it is just common place to just notice the stuff you like or the things that share your same interest. Being the matter you normally skip over things that just may be.. A cry for help. Being a couple nights now. I saw the post when my boyfriend was still here. I read it..and the reinforced comments of caring friends. Now... for some situations this is enough to pull you from the "emotional cliff edge".

But sometimes.. It's not! There are no safety nets for this anywhere on any form on social media... It is still up to that person or people close to them. To get actual help or else well it goes unheeded and well.. The results can be very grim. In this case, it was almost a very bad. She ended up in  the hospital after stabbing herself three times in the stomach and slicing up her arm with razors. To reach this point of emotional damage, could be argued that it was unavoided. But, isn't that an excuse that you can say because you didn't notice. I noticed and I was deeply troubled by the result of such actions.
But thankfully her daughter saved her and took away any other items of self harm she had hidden. Her daughter who is deemed the trouble maker. (Whatever, she is a good kid the fact that she saved and loves her mother is proof of that.)

So how do we handle this kind of stuff? What can we do? Can't really report every single depressing quote picture they post on facebook, as a sign of a possibly suicidal, depressed person. There isn't exactly a science to it really but yet. There is.
Sure it is kinda hard when you have a million friends.. But not all those millions of friends post about killing themselves or hating themselves. Or their life. Maybe about a 3rd will post. The rest feel like shit but keep it to themselves. (true fact)

It wouldn't hurt to maybe see, how they are, sometimes. Send them a hug which is a universal language sticker, that says, HEY YOU'RE NOT ALONE EVEN THOUGH I DON'T KNOW YOU I CARE!!    Because honestly I DO care regardless of country and nationality. We are emotionally unstable creatures on the same earth. And face one day, your gonna need a hug too, and well.. I'll give you one. 

Now we're getting personal:

I make no attempts at hiding my emotional damage, I am pretty much a trainwreck 4 out of the 7 days of the week every week of every month. But I haven't tried to kill myself in a couple months. I get down. Yes. Because I am human. And I live with my heart on my sleeve. And I am very passionate of a person that cares WAY too much for people that I should give up on. I have no parents. So naturally when the flock of friends that have parents talk about how great of a day they had with theirs it stings somewhat. But then I remember all the adopted fathers and mothers I have from my friends families and smile. Plus remembering the freedoms I have of not having parents. I did once upon a time have parents, they are now both dead. I mean those holidays are bummers for lots of people. Plus they are sorta annoying.  

My boyfriend understands me and how I work so he doesn't force me to be HAPPY-Joy-JOY..BUNNY_ RAINBOW DASH..
UGH!! That just would make it worse seriously. SO Spare me the cheer up and be happy bullshit when I am feeling like slicing off my head OKAY. Just give me a fucking emoji and tell me I am awesome, unless it's MAJORLY bad. Then listen to me cry and vent till I feel better. And if no one is around then I will just write it out or take a bike ride or whatever.

Yes... Sometimes I want to die. Sometimes I feel so alone because I can't see the sun for days. And I will cry and I may think about it but I would hurt so many people if I did that. I have hurt so many people because I have. And in the words of Kaneki "Rather than a person who hurts others become the person getting hurt" I am so used to suffering it feels like a sweater to me. But to hurt those that hold parts of my heart. Well that is what true suffering is for me. So I told myself.
No matter what. No matter how bad. I wouldn't give in. I hold everyone close that I allow close. If you actually read this well thank you. Because you ARE important. And so am I.. We all make foot prints in the sand. No matter how big or small they may be they still make a difference.

:hug: :glomp: :cuddle: :love:






So finally its feeling winterish out, sorta. Though the mild December wasn't bad I kinda enjoyed it. I do however miss snow but not so much the bitter cold Ohio gets this time of year, you know the I think my lungs are ice kind. I mean I know there are places for colder. Anyway. I figured I'd dig out an old painting from storage and.. "Finish" it. Or change it..

Black And White Ice by DarkAngelsRhapsody

I don't really like this painting in person so I am going to make it so I like it. Hmm, me liking my work. There is a bridge I bet some didn't think I'd cross but dang it. I am afraid of heights and I want off the bridge already so I am going to paint this thing till I like it..

Maybe water color to easy away from washing out the original with more heavy acrylic I'll dig it out today and see what it says to me.. and update you later. I hope everyone enjoyed their holiday.. Mine was okay. Just avoided life, and sunk into my painting.
What is it about the end of the year that makes us do a reflection of sorts? We do it with everything. The best and the worst of the year.. Be it media, or social media we see them everywhere. In this day and age with people and person so in your face and in your life there can be very little time for self-reflection. I am admit I do have some social media but I drew the line at the pointless new stuff that is for mind numbing entertainment, unless of course my friend sends me a link for random laughs. I'm not about to just join for myself. Sorry but not sorry.

Anyway.. I don't think I've done enough work this year to say what is my best work of the year or who did my favorite piece of the year. Sorry.. I don't jump on fan wagons for popular bloated artist. They don't need another pat on their back. And yes. There is a slight bit of resentment there. I wasn't hiding it. But that isn't why I decided to even write this.

Back in the day I used to almost periodically communicate to someone through e-mails, I often try to keep in touch with dear friends I met in the gaming world or artistic one, sometimes even the real world as it is so hard to pick up a damn phone these days... 

Because I am one of the few that isn't connected to one almost all the time, like it is a third arm.. A product of character which just yesterday I was praised for. I hadn't been proud of my choice of living under a rock before. Congrats to me?
I mostly feel alienated by it, but then again, I am not avoiding the outside world around me because I am starring at a tiny screen in my hand all the time.

I mean it has it's use's but honestly when I had a phone I had it off, I like in person relations more then distant typos..and miscommunications.
And now we are back to the whole reason I started writing this in the first place. A reflection back a couple years ago to be in fact..and a realization of how I acted this year with completely out of character response to someone who really didn't deserve it. 

As I read through the old correspondence I saw something I had forgot, something I am sure even they forgot. We were at one time good friends, And I am sorry that I finally gave you the treatment you had been wanting me to give you for years. I was in fact finally that person you assumed or was sure I should have been years ago toward you. And that was wrong, I am sorry.

To put it simply, you are in fact the only person I could write a whole journal about twice in the same year. I can't say that about much people. I mean I can rant about any such subject but.. we have been friends for what...more then 10 years. Sure we had moments where we were close to something else, but as I have learnt this past couple weeks it is totally possible to be something else and close without being something all together then just best friends. And the only thing keeping us apart from being dear friends is each other. Two bulls locking horns I guess don't go very far.
They just argue with one another constantly.

My point being, I am still your friend, I still support you and I still want to talk to you from time to time. You always thought it was pointless to reach out with the olive branch. Well it's not. Lots of things have happened in the 2+ years of static silence between us, and we are in the same state, thats the shocker of it all to me. I wonder what is so scary about meeting me in person? And I realize nothing is scary about it. Nothing wrong with me at all, and that is a whole new chapter of self-discovery I had. I had this uncanny faith in you from the first time we shared each others thoughts on one another's poetry. I didn't fall for the woe is me glum that would chase others off.

Why? Because we are poets, you have finally found a way to mix the beautiful imagery with angst of emotion, its a growth that I am proud of, but if hearing that..makes you deflect into a black hole, forge your own meaning. Thats what people don't get.

Sometime's that black hole is what we need, me and you don't thrive off bright frilly cheerful stuff, we just aren't that way, yes I try to be that way sometimes a tiny bit for my friends and fans so they don't fear me jumping off a building.. or lock me up in a padded cell with pretty white walls I can paint with my blood. Yeah, dark. I give no shits about that.
I am dark, deal with it. Your negative, not confident in yourself, not sure of your place and just sorta treading the bottom of existence. I get it! I always have. And that's we make good dear friends, we are the joker in the deck of cards, wild and most times discarded. We reflect each other but yet we aren't the same.

Do you follow me? It'll be awhile before you read this, everyone else may or may not read it but I hope those that do have a better insight in the type of person I am. And that I don't take relationships with my friends or fans forsaken.

You all are not in the least belittled by the other, each of you have a merit you earned with me, be it being stead fast and patient or just talking to me on skype or posting awesome works I just slip away into. Hell even sticking with me when I don't post for awhile. Thank you, I think that right there is like 1 billion achievement points and like massive lvling experience. Haha.

I want to say thank you, I try to thank everyone for every fav, llama and watch and comment back to everyone, I make that a goal actually. But sometimes it doesn't hurt to just say it in bulk.. And stopping by skype to say hi if you want doesn't hurt either. Just let me know via a note or something who you are. I won't talk to weird pop up messages just because of bad experiences.

I am sure thats understandable.

Anyway, this sure was longer then I intended but whatever, it was important to say and needed said.
And in closing.

I love you all, I hope you have a decent end of the year, try not to murder your family if you have to deal with them..I know thats my goal. I wish you all the luck.

Bunches of hugs, Tara, AKA Rhapsody